What could I do if I didn't have to do? This is the question that I presented to myself today as I looked around my trashed house (OK, just the play room) and thought about how I wanted to be outside today, but wasn't able, because of my responsibilities. Then as my 22 month old daughter pushed buttons on the computer and came across a picture of a different life I wondered, for that small moment, what would it be like to just pick up and move to my dream?
The problem was I didn't even have a dream. Blah, how did I get to that point, I used to day dream all the time and loved it. An excitement used to fill me when I day dreamed and I had hope for the future. Not that I don't have hope, but I don't have fun in my hopes. Blah is right. So I decided to come on here and figure out what my day dream would be, what my fantasy life would be. In order to do that though, I think I will have to take away responsibility. Hmmm, I wonder if this would really be a life I would like, but I will go for it, why not.
Here is my dream.
Mossy covered trees stretch before my round deep blue eyes. The warmth sticking to my pale skin, my feet dance across the sandy shores of the large pond off to my side. I move towards giant boulders on the hillside, using my strength, pull myself up, letting the full breeze sweep across me, whipping my dark hair in every direction. My soul is carried on that breeze, laughing, singing, crying, taking in the years of long ago, the battles fought, the loved ones gained, the life shared. As blissful as this moment is, longing enters my heart, but is whisked away in the delightful squeals of children, my children. Behind them their father runs, chasing these pale beauties, the older ones with long legs and the smaller with pudgy hands. They make their way to me for safety even though they would love to be caught by the man they call dad. Once all have reached the top of the giant weather beaten boulder, we stand as one in the warmth and let the joy that fills our hearts escape on the breeze to be carried away only to return to enchant us another day.
Ah, a dream came. Though with many dreams there may be a surprise ending. My dream started with me alone, enjoying nature only to feel empty. Without my family it was no paradise. I desired to have no responsability, but in doing so, I took away my joy. My family is my responsibility and my family is my joy! Maybe one day my dream will come true, but if I never have this scene played out in real life, I at least have the people in my dream to hold, love, and cherish forever more. Now that is a dream come true.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Weakness
Life has an interesting way of turning in ways we just don't expect.
This last summer was one filled with a lot. I mean it was pretty
packed, but it was fun. I was in the play Anne of Green Gables with my
two older girls and we had some pretty fun times together. As a family
we were able to take a good amount of time on mini vacations and there
were lots of activities along the way. It was a great time! Well, with
all seasons, they must come to a close and this one came to a close
exactly one day after the play ended. It was mid August and my fall
began and then winter came just a short time later.
I am 32, I did not think that I would feel like what you thought you would feel like at 60 or 70. I have had a long 6 months of doctor appointments and procedures in which they all tell me I am perfectly healthy. Yay, I am perfectly healthy, but my body tells me otherwise. I guess it is good that it isn't anything they can see, or it might be a lot worse, but the question it, what to do now? Now that there are no answers, do I just live in winter the rest of my life?
Well, I am a very religious person and I have been turning more and more to my Lord for help, turning to the scriptures and turning inward. I have come to a few realization, but admit I still have a long way to go for understanding. My God has given me the gift of sight, and this is one sight that was almost easier to go without. I am now able to see myself a little bit more for what I am. I am nothing, I am week, I am less than the dust of the Earth. I also at the same time know my value, I am of considerable value, for my Savior, Jesus Christ, paid the price for me, a very heavy price, so I am of great value, but am still nothing, am still week and I feel it, everyday.
The Lord wants me to except my weakness, so that he can take my weakness and give me his strength. The problem is, I don't know how to do that. I naturally want to fight against being week, I want to be strong and I think I know how and I keep trying, even when I know I just need to except. What is the difference of excepting and just giving up?
My doctor prescribed me a medication for Fibromyalgia, but my insurance doesn't want to cover that, until I have tried a combination of 2 medications, 3 times and failed. Meaning, 6 different medications with who knows how many side effects. One of the medications is a pain med and the other is an anti anxiety or anti depressant. Truthfully, I could use both of those right now. I am not in a good place, but am more than a little nervous to take them. There have always been consequences for taking pills and I don't think this will be the exception, but I need to do something.
I prayed a little differently today. I asked for a miracle, even though I didn't think I was going to get one. I know the Lord loves me, but as part of that love I know he wants me to grow into a better person. If he were to take this trial away from me, then I would not become the person he is shaping at this moment. I told him, I don't want to become that person, but that isn't really true, I do want to be better than I am now, it is just so hard to be changed. After I prayed today, I decided to go read my scriptures, I always get answers to prayer by reading my scriptures. Well, you want to know what I read, that the people in the time of Alma were moring greatly and because of this they fasted and prayed mightily. What does this tell me, well it didn't tell me if I should take the pills, or how to except my weekness, but it did tell me to keep praying.and fasting. So for now, that is what I will do. Maybe a different answer will come, but for now this will have to do and I am sure it will, the Lord wouldn't tell me to do this if it was for nothing.
Well, I just had a thought. In our church we were challenged to work on a Christ like attribute each month and I decided to work on Patience, because I am really bad at this. I just realized that Heavenly Father is helping me with this by telling me to keep praying. Well, that makes me feel a little better. It is nice to see him working in my life, I see it so often it is truly amazing. I hope I will always notice his love and his answers. I also have a hope that one day spring will come again, I truly do believe spring will come.
I am 32, I did not think that I would feel like what you thought you would feel like at 60 or 70. I have had a long 6 months of doctor appointments and procedures in which they all tell me I am perfectly healthy. Yay, I am perfectly healthy, but my body tells me otherwise. I guess it is good that it isn't anything they can see, or it might be a lot worse, but the question it, what to do now? Now that there are no answers, do I just live in winter the rest of my life?
Well, I am a very religious person and I have been turning more and more to my Lord for help, turning to the scriptures and turning inward. I have come to a few realization, but admit I still have a long way to go for understanding. My God has given me the gift of sight, and this is one sight that was almost easier to go without. I am now able to see myself a little bit more for what I am. I am nothing, I am week, I am less than the dust of the Earth. I also at the same time know my value, I am of considerable value, for my Savior, Jesus Christ, paid the price for me, a very heavy price, so I am of great value, but am still nothing, am still week and I feel it, everyday.
The Lord wants me to except my weakness, so that he can take my weakness and give me his strength. The problem is, I don't know how to do that. I naturally want to fight against being week, I want to be strong and I think I know how and I keep trying, even when I know I just need to except. What is the difference of excepting and just giving up?
My doctor prescribed me a medication for Fibromyalgia, but my insurance doesn't want to cover that, until I have tried a combination of 2 medications, 3 times and failed. Meaning, 6 different medications with who knows how many side effects. One of the medications is a pain med and the other is an anti anxiety or anti depressant. Truthfully, I could use both of those right now. I am not in a good place, but am more than a little nervous to take them. There have always been consequences for taking pills and I don't think this will be the exception, but I need to do something.
I prayed a little differently today. I asked for a miracle, even though I didn't think I was going to get one. I know the Lord loves me, but as part of that love I know he wants me to grow into a better person. If he were to take this trial away from me, then I would not become the person he is shaping at this moment. I told him, I don't want to become that person, but that isn't really true, I do want to be better than I am now, it is just so hard to be changed. After I prayed today, I decided to go read my scriptures, I always get answers to prayer by reading my scriptures. Well, you want to know what I read, that the people in the time of Alma were moring greatly and because of this they fasted and prayed mightily. What does this tell me, well it didn't tell me if I should take the pills, or how to except my weekness, but it did tell me to keep praying.and fasting. So for now, that is what I will do. Maybe a different answer will come, but for now this will have to do and I am sure it will, the Lord wouldn't tell me to do this if it was for nothing.
Well, I just had a thought. In our church we were challenged to work on a Christ like attribute each month and I decided to work on Patience, because I am really bad at this. I just realized that Heavenly Father is helping me with this by telling me to keep praying. Well, that makes me feel a little better. It is nice to see him working in my life, I see it so often it is truly amazing. I hope I will always notice his love and his answers. I also have a hope that one day spring will come again, I truly do believe spring will come.
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